Doors

It is so hard to keep trying. Lately I've been apathetic towards everything. Above is a piece for my art concentration which is "doors." It came out alright, but I hope it isn't obvious that I splashed it together. 

I didn't want to tell anyone but there is nothing else to blog about so I guess I should. My father scheduled another driving test for me at the same place that I failed at. I failed again, because I stopped before taking a right turn at an intersection for too long. The guy's face was perpetually red, with purple spider veins on his cheeks.

Hearing that I will not be receiving my license made me feel something that I have not felt in a long time. The feeling that first strikes the head, falls to the stomach, and crawls to your heart in a matter of three seconds. It squeezed, jabbed, and pried at my heart with cold fingers. What was worse was the ride home. That car was getting smaller and smaller and I felt like screaming and chopping something up with an axe. Anxiety. It was an hour drive. The only thing that helped was driving the fingernail clipper into my arm until it was puffy and pink.

Allow me to explain why my reaction was so severe. I hate it in my house. My mom is depressed, my father gets stressed from work and takes it out on me. He'll wait for something exciting to happen, so he can crush it by telling me no! not until you do the laundry. My sister doesn't care anymore, leaving food and trash for me to pick up. Otherwise, I'll get blamed, seeing that she'll be elsewhere. Actually, everyone takes their anger out on me, because I am the most mentally stable and my future is bright.

I fucking hate it here so much. 

Anyway... Roxanne called me on the way home asking if I wanted to hang out. That sounded so nice, a nice little relaxing escape. Then, my mom called because the chemistry tutor was at my house. I forgot about the test and scheduled a session at 3:30. She's nice, and just said that I could call her tomorrow to reschedule. My dad yelled at me and said that I couldn't go to Roxanne's because I needed to go home and call the tutor.

She said to call tomorrow.

You won't. You can't remember to do anything. You'll just blow it off at usual.

That's not true.

Yes it is, I drop everything for you, and you treat me like fucking shit. You have no respect for anyone, you treat your mom and I like shit, Jeff. (Yelling at this point.)

Don't get mad at me, please. Not now.

Well I am mad. You haven't been doing any school work, you've just been goofing off doing shit for work.

That's not true. I still have honors.

I can't remember what he said next, because I held my eyes shut and leaned my head against the window. I shed two tears.

This happens to me at times like this, all of the sudden my mind shuts off emotion and everything is calm. I guess it's the eye of the storm. I leaned against the window with my eyes shut peacefully until he stopped to get gas in the center of Holden. When he got out of the car I opened my eyes and looked up. I saw myself in the side mirror. I looked so sad. A guy pumping gas across from me stared at me. I stared at him until he looked away. I enjoyed making someone uncomfortable enough to do something about it. Then I went back to closing my eyes until we got home.

I thanked my father and went inside. My mom told me to go around to the garage because she didn't want me tracking dirt into the house.

The fact that I cannot drive out of here at will is killing me. High School is killing me. Smiling at work is killing me.

But there still is The Good. :) Don't worry friends I'm not depressed, this is a battle that I can still win.

Writing that last sentence made me smile. It's good that I can comfort myself. Plus Take a Walk on the Wild Side just came on iTunes. sigh that makes me smile inside.

But, today's theme song is a sad one. Needle in the Hay, by Elliott Smith.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHDbCC0Ongs

 The doorway that is driving remains open.