Resurfacing

Some things are confusing.

I have too many feelings about one thing,

So something else that I should care about gets nothing.

And that's the way it is.


You know whats funny? How I imagined my future self as a child. I saw myself as a cliche guy from a teen movie, walking down the hall of a high school all cocky, being popular and playing a sport. It's funny how television influenced me like that.

In reality...

I'm the art kid, but not the cliche art kid. I'm not the most handsome, popular guy I thought I'd be.

interrupting thought: Why is it that I don't see other people in a sexual way? I can see the best looking celebrities in the world, and feel nothing towards them. Sometimes I hear other people talking about how hot someone is, and I don't understand that. The word hot in that sense has never been in my head. I don't understand what makes me attracted to someone. It's normally one specific thing that suddenly hits me like an arrow. Like sharing one very personal thing about them self that I can really respect. I love it when someone shares with me something very personal about themselves.




you know whats happened to me a few times and it sucks... someone being into me, whom I am not attracted to and never will be. I cant be mean about it, but that leads to "leading them on." But by not being mean about it causes this whole stupid thing where they get really hurt and I'm standing there in the middle of a war torn place thinking, "wait what happened?"


Last night I played a game with some good friends that is kind of relevant. We went around a circle and answered the same deep question about ourselves.
"What is something you deeply fear about your future?"
I said that I fear being too lazy my entire life and never doing anything that meets my potential. But here is something I fear even more but chose not to say.

I fear being alone my entire life. (But maybe that's a given for everyone.) I've only been legitimately attracted to two people in my life and one of them was a girl, and the other a guy. In my entire life. It's not that I'm picky, I don't decide who I like. The feeling just arises and that's that. But what if it doesn't arise? I don't want someone to just have sex with, I want someone to... I don't know. How can I explain this. I want someone to share good things with. Someone I want to share everything with. For example, moments in my room laying on my bed listening to beautiful music, and getting a really intricate idea for a movie, I want someone to be laying next to me that wants to hear it. Not only wants to hear it, but someone that can actually contribute to it. Moments where I'm in the woods with my dog, and I sit down and realize how nice the sounds of the forest sound and how soft the moss is. I want to share that with someone else. And I want someone to share their moments with me. I want someone that I'm more than comfortable being alone with.
And I'm afraid of that never happening. If that never happens I guess it wouldn't be too tragic. I'd just end up as a crazy artist or something and kill myself. Is that a scary thought? It doesn't scare me because it's a long way away and it's just a thought.

Sometimes I have moments where I think out loud, and when someone asks me about a thought, I have no explanation for it, and I feel stupid. Does that happen to anybody reading this?

It's weird to know that there could be people reading this that I don't know about.

Anyway. It's not that I walk around thinking, "I'm lonely, will I ever be with someone?" I hardly ever think about being lonely or having a significant other. But when I do my heart hurts. You know that feeling? You really do feel it in your chest, around the heart. Like my heart just got heavier. When my heart hurts I can't stop thinking about how to make it stop and blogs like this are produced. For a while this year I've had my emotional side completely shut down, and my heart is the little remaining emotion I have forcing itself to surface. I don't like being bothered by my heart, but I'm glad I am. Actually I'm really glad that I'm still human. Feelings like this are just a part of being human.

Closing thoughts...

I am only eighteen years old, of course I don't have anyone now, I'm too young. Everyone probably fears being alone their whole life, but hardly anyone is by choice.

I think my heart hurts when I'm lonely. This year by turning off my emotional side, I was really burying the loneliness, and it's resurfacing.

I'm afraid that the loneliness will keep resurfacing for my entire life. But the only way to stop it is to find someone, but I'm hardly attracted to anyone. I went to WRHS for 4 years and never had a crush on a single person there. That scares me.