If you wanna fuck with the eagles, you gotta learn to fly.

2:02AM. Can't sleep. Blog mode.

Sometimes I wonder what other people think of when they go to bed at night. Maybe it's just an insomniac thing, but I typically hold all of my thoughts until I get to bed. Sometimes I think of crazy but possible scenarios, and the consequences, and then I forget that it isn't real, and then I get minor anxiety, AND THEN I realize that I shouldn't do whatever I did in that crazy but possible scenario, and then I realize none of it ever happened and my thoughts go in a completely different direction. As I tried to sleep tonight, I thought of blogging eventually and what I'd say. I tried to remember some of the thoughts.

Here's one, (they'll sporadically make appearances as I continue writing)
I thought of how I see my friends. How I see them differently then other people. I noticed this the other morning at the bagel inn. When I saw Kelsey working, next to several other girls her age, I realized that she is extraordinarily beautiful. I always saw her as Kelsey, but when she's thrown into the outside world, I saw her as a member of that world, not a part of my world. And she looked like a really beautiful person from the world. Do I sound like Kathryn Shoro right now (not that that's a bad thing, but this sounds to me like a Kathryn thought.) Anyway, I see my friends as, like, souls? I don't know the word. I need to see all of them in the actual world and see how I would perceive them without knowing them. Anyway, if I didn't know Kelsey Lee, and I was a regular costumer at the Bagel Inn, I'd probably look forward to seeing the beautiful girl at the Bagel Inn. It was weird to see her shine like that. That group of friends is so close. I wish I had a wider vocabulary and could put this into words. Phoebe help me out here. I can't describe the effect they have as one. When together their true souls come out. All I see is their souls. So seeing one of them as a regular human in normal society making bagels was so strange to me. Like I could only see the soul from an outside window. Does this make sense? It does, but am I saying this in a way that makes sense?

SEE THIS IS WHY I DONT SLEEP. I THINK TOO HARD. But I really enjoy it. I'd rather have insomnia than not have these thoughts.

I also thought of cigarettes. How much I hate cigarettes, but how much thought I put into trying to understand them. AND how I will never be able to spell cigarettes (I'm spell checking this later, but right now every "cigarette" word has the red squiggly line under it and it's driving me nuts.) ANYWAY, here's a polished theory. Cigarettes are an act of rebellion. But in my opinion it's a pretty pussy way to rebel, because everyone hides it from their parents. So it's safe rebellion. It's teenage rebellion. Then you get addicted, then you're part of the community of ex-rebellious teenagers where everyone has that edgy thing in common. Smoking cigarettes is a community thing. "You smoke? You're a rebel? Me too. We have that in common."
"You don't smoke? I'm not sure if you're a rebel or not, but you might be judging me for smoking so I'm a little hesitant to make conversation." These are just thoughts,  don't see them as facts, for the record, two of my most respected friends smoke and I don't judge them for it. I don't think everyone smokes for the same reason, but in general I think smoking has this effect. I'm sure there are so many flaws in this theory, but hey, I'm in my bed right now and I can't sleep and I'm done thinking about stupid cigarettes. It's funny how I care more about the pointlessness of cigarettes than I do about the fact that they cause lung cancer.

I thought about how today I told my sister Katie everyone I've done that I would lie to my kids about. I even surprised myself as I listed the things. Something I never want to do is heroin. But I've done alot of shit. I don't want to list it here because this is on the Internet and the list would be too much. See!? That kind of scares me. Not really. In a weird way I'm proud. I guess it's all part of the need to rebel. And boredom. And depression. And happiness. And instinct. And love. And lust. And being a human. "AM I RIGHT?!"
Yeah, I guess I am proud of myself for some reason. When I'm done blogging and I lay back down in darkness I'll probably ponder why I'm proud. Maybe it's because I regret nothing. Maybe it's because when I blogged about my senior year being full of new "experiences" (who remembers that one!) I meant it.

Something I also think about often lately is how incredibly good it feels to fall asleep in some one's arms. And how good it feels when you can't sleep, and you stir, and the person stirs, and you both are kind of awake, and then you mutually start to kiss, because even though you're dead tired, you would rather be as close to that person as possible than sleep. Yeah, I love that. I think this entire year that's all I needed. I needed a good old fashioned snuggle. "AM I RIGHT?!"

Also tonight, I thought about my senior year. I now realize that I was incredibly lonely for the entire year. I was so lonely, but I had no idea. Almost every day in school I was putting on an act. I had loads of friends, but only about four or five were actual friends. And they all had their own lives. We weren't friends like my "soul unit" friends. I didn't see them as souls. But I liked them. I liked being around them. That I can say. But mostly the people I talked to every day were there so I'd have someone to sit with at lunch. That's sad. That's something I knew deep down but chose not to think about at night. BUT HEY I AM MOTHER FUCKING DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL!!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD I AM ACTUALLY DONE!!! THE ACT IS OVER!!

Wow I wrote alot. So there is a taste of what I think of at night when I'm not sleeping. It's only 2:38AM. Still not tired. I guess I'll keep thinking out loud.

I made so many of these friends over the year. But now I can't hold onto them all. I simply can't. To maintain friendships with my lunch friends would be a full time job. And I usually can't remember whether or not I fed the dogs. How am I gunna keep up with all of those people. I know how terrible it is, but I have no desire to interact with them. I have no more bonds to them. But I don't want to just admit that I was just playin' the entire time. "Oh no thanks, ya I just pretended to find you interesting so I'd have someone to sit with at lunch." But that's the truth.

"If you wanna fuck with the eagles, you gotta learn to fly." I love that quote. It's not very relevant to my life, but it sounds so bad ass. It's thirst quenching. I thought about how that would be such an intriguing yearbook quote.

rewind to that kissing paragraph (I have ADD.)
And then when you're kissing that person, it slows down a little, then you suddenly feel a crazy burst of passion and you go back to kissing like crazy. Like it's the only way to stop the world from exploding. Like it's the only way to make your heart lighter than air. I dug it up people. It got pretty heavy and now it's flying with the eagles. Hey! Now that quote is semi relevant. :)

Wide awake right now. Fuckin' stimulating thoughts. Love hate relationship. U N0 H0w it IZ!

Anyway, I can't imagine going to bed and thinking about normal life. How goddamn boring is normal life. Well mine isn't right now, but still. Do some people go to bed and think about school? What they'll wear tomorrow. Sports teams. Money. I don't know. I'll never know what it's like to be someone else.

Through this blog I have learned that my insomnia is a great thing. "Tis a blessing in disguise."

rewind to that paragraph about me telling Katie all the things I've done. All she had to say was, "Jeff if you ever became a coke head I wouldn't talk to you. Seriously, like, I'd just cut you out of my fucking life." And I was like, "...kay, don't worry I won't?"

That made me sad. That's all she had to say. I like my home but it's pretty lonely sometimes.

okay, I'm done writing. I'll end on a positive note.

My heart is flying.   :) Payce n blessnz friends.

-Jeff.