Blues

My emotional side is turning on and I'm already miserable when left with my thoughts. Whenever I am like this, I have no desire to do anything. I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling. Yesterday I came home from work and did it until 3AM. I'm getting used to starving. I don't know why, but I can't bring myself to do anything. Not eat, not sleep, not get dressed, not even to smoke weed. I get too wrapped up in my thoughts that I'm practically paralyzed. Now I remember why I stopped thinking about anything. It's terrible.

But the second I get a chance to go out and socialize (escape from my thoughts), I go back to normal. I need social interaction to survive. I need it as an excuse to eat and sleep and get out of bed.

I remember being like this last year, and watching a spider walk around the ceiling. I watched it for hours. My whole life I've had a phobia of spiders, but I couldn't get myself to move. The spider was walking around my ceiling for three days I think. It was a tiny spider. I think it didn't know how to get down, or maybe it knew it was being watching and felt safe on the ceiling. I feel safe in my room.

I can't tell if this is sadness. I don't feel sad. I simply don't feel like getting out of this bed. It's 3:03PM. I've been up since 1PM. I don't remember falling asleep, but I remember seeing 4AM on the clock. I couldn't sleep because of the hunger.

The loneliness has resurfaced.



I need a name for this. This is so familiar. I was able to avoid it for some time, but it's back. I think I know what will happen this summer, but I don't want to say it out loud. That thought is for me. Don't worry it's not what you think at all. I would never do that.

This.. what is this? What do I call this state of mind? I need a name for it. The blues? The blues are eating me alive. My stomach is literally eating me alive.

I need to paint something. That's it. That's how I handle it. That's how I can control it. Suck out the blue and put it onto a canvas. I did my entire art concentration on this feeling. The blues. Being like this has become such a part of me. It's almost an old friend? Actually, it's a muse.