Hi everyone! I'm back.

damn, i haven't gotten my blog on in a while. So, where to start?

I've been smoking weed everyday, so I'm due for a break. It's so weird how I'm actually a little excited to take a break. I think after a while my mind gets so fried that all I need is for it to be totally clear again. Like, I haven't really done anything in a while. BESIDES GET INTO MASSART. sorry, anyway...

I hardly ever drink, but in the past few months I've been drinking at least once a week. Just because the opportunity has arisen so often.

Something I've learned about myself: Only a few people really know me. No. Thats not right. I don't really know most people, so I don't feel connected to them in the same way I do my closest people. To feel really connected to someone, I need to:
 Get really intoxicated with them.
 One of us needs to cry with the other around or something like that.
 Tell them something I don't tell anyone.
 Be able to text them random thoughts that I feel they would enjoy hearing.
 Be able to be silent with them and not feel uncomfortable, you know how some people you can just lay around with and think and you both understand the silence.
 That's the formula to Jeff Greene's heart. those things. Plus more that I can't think of. Basically we need to be comfortable with personal things, and be able to have fun.

Like, we both need to be able to be very vulnerable around each other and totally comfortable and trusting. A lot of people trust me with their secrets, but I don't tell many people mine. If I've told you a really deep secret of mine, it's a very good sign. I'll probably be like, "don't tell anyone this" before I say it, which means DO NOT TELL ANYONE THIS. And it also means, I trust you, and I want you to know me in a way that this fact about me will portray. Because I'm not good at putting some things into words, so I use situational examples.
actually, if it's someone I've really connected with, it shouldn't have to be said that it is a secret. I don't even know what my point is.

I'm just trying to put figure myself out for some reason.

I never touch people. Have you noticed that my hugs are awkward? You know how a cat arches it's back up, that's kind of what I do when I hug, so my chest doesn't press against the person. Unless of course I'm super comfortable with them. Not that I don't like receiving hugs! I'm just not very good or experienced with delivering them.

I do miss having someone whom I can hug. Someone who I want to press up against.

Gah. I wish I wasn't so skittish when it comes to relationships. I lack experience!! Plus I'd rather save it for summer. Dating someone in school would be weird. It's too public. And difficult. School drains me of so much energy, having a commitment would be hard. Summer lovin' is where it's at! And school is over for me in like a MONTH. HOLY SHIT. Now that I know I have massart waiting for me, I cannot wait for school to end. It was scary before, the end of my high school experience. I had a hell of a high school experience. It was so good. Not in a fun fun non-stop party way, but a more rich, challenging, character building way.

You know whats so funny? Situations that can be described as, "drunk people helping drunker people."
hahahaha. Doesn't it make the memory so much funnier? It makes my friday night sound so much more hilarious. It was Brandon's birthday party (shoutout!) and half of the people got too drunk too fast. I didn't, thank god. My arm still has the sharpie markings on it reading, "DO NOT FORGET AMBERLYNN OUTSIDE." (shoutout.) I didn't forget her.

My parents went back to Florida for another week. My grandfather is dying. It's a weird feeling, because I know I should feel something, but I only see him for a week every year. Don't get me wrong I love Grandpa Greene, but it just hasn't hit me yet. None of my grandparents, or any close family member has died in my lifetime, so this is very unfamiliar. The only death I've dealt with was with dogs... the worst kind. Such a loss of innocence and love. I guess I feel more for my dad. His whole side of the family down there are mentally ill and addicted to drugs. Being a doctor, and someone with money, they rely on him. Being someone with money and compassion must be so difficult. I really respect my dad. This blog gives my parents and family zero justice. I really do love them all.

My friend Domenica introduced me to Joanna Newsom. Her voice is ugly beautiful, like Nico's. She plays the harp and it's beautiful and calming.

Okay, I've mentioned music, which means I'm out of steam. Bye for now