Self Analyzing...

Okay, I've been thinking a lot and I have a theory of what my problem is. I don't take other people's emotions seriously. In fact, I play games with emotions. I don't realize the damage I'm doing because I don't take it seriously, until it goes too far. I suck. I don't know why I do these things. If you have an idea (psychology majors??) tell me! I won't take it personally.

Is it insecurity? I don't think I'm insecure.

Also, another thing I've come to accept is that I fear rejection. I want everyone to like me. If I find out that someone doesn't like me, I get really hurt. I actually lose sleep thinking about it. It shouldn't bother me I know, but it does. But why would I play games with emotions when I fear rejection. Is it because I fear rejection? Does that make sense.

Actually I only play emotional games with people when they give me the power to do it.

Oh shit. I'm an asshole. :/

That's whats been bothering me. I do bad things to good people without even realizing it. I didn't want to believe it, but I have to face it. The only way to deal with it and stop it is by admitting it, right?

A word of advice, DO NOT CRUSH ON ME. I can never have a relationship with someone that I don't  initially have a crush on.

Deep breath. I need to admit something.

I purposely dangle myself in front of people who like me, just because I need attention.

I feel terrible. But it feels good to admit it, that way I can fix this. It's a bad habit.

I think I'm attractive, which is new for me! For the longest time I felt I was short, chubby, I hated my smile, the list goes on. This year I've stopped taking medication and gained loads of magical confidence. Maybe I just didn't know how to handle being attractive, and I'm abusing the power. Wow I'm a douche. These are my thoughts, we all have douche thoughts, so don't judge me too hard.

I have to post this blog. I owe it to certain people.

I have problems and I'm going to work on them.

Okay wrap up...

I don't want anyone to dislike me so I work too hard to cater to their likes, to the point of making them believe I am that way. Then we get too close and I back away, but I wait a little too long before backing away (need attention) and they get hurt. Then we both end up feeling terrible. This has happened with... five people. Some more extreme than others. But now it's happened with people that I really do care about. That's what I fucked up. I did this with really good people. That's why I posted that blog about fearing I'm a home wrecker. I fucked up a friendship by creating a love triangle. AND I watched the friendship crumble and pretended to not understand, when deep down I knew it was all me, and not them. Deep down I knew what was happening, and what was going to happen.

FUCK. I have to post this blog. I have to.

If you can forgive me and give me a chance to be normal, I think I can do it. Actually, I'm sure I can. 

I just lifted SO much weight from my conscious. This feels good and bad.

To make a long story short, I lead people on and am going to stop. I realized the damage it causes when someone I actually care about was hurt.

That's all for now. I'm going to bed.