I just had a sudden rush of feelings, resulting in a heavy weight on my chest and the need to hold my eyes shut tight. I haven't been on this in a while, but I remember writing here has always been the only way to distract me from feeling things.
I hate not being able to tell what exactly is wrong. I think I'm just really stressed and anxious and it sucks not having someone to lie down with. I want someone to lie down with me and hold me. Someone who has a calming hold on me. Someone I want to touch me.
I need to get out of the city. Going home doesn't help. I want someone who I can stay with. Someone who lives nearby that I can sleep with. I want a relationship that allows me to wake up next to someone and lay in their bed all day while they do things. I want to give someone a back massage, a very good back massage.
I want to feel someones warm breath on the back of my neck.

A while ago I decided I am a terrible boyfriend.

Being single isn't fun anymore. I don't like kissing someone I don't love. I feel like my life is getting increasingly darker and less pure. What's weird is that I don't feel a change in myself, I'm just getting more used to it.

Sometimes I think all I do is hurt people. Sometimes I get so bored that I'll pounce on anything exciting or interesting with complete disregard of people's feelings. Then I'll be sitting alone one day and all of these feelings of remorse and guilt just attack me.

I had a party a night ago, and found myself overwhelmed by the amount of sexual tension. I need to stop kissing boys that I'm not into. But the problem is I'm not into anyone. Sometimes I'll kiss someone just because I feel obligated, or desperate for some kind of crazy connection to form. I never feel it. The only way for me to really love someone is to have that kind of attraction the moment I see them, which is so rare.

It's strange waking up next to someone you'd rather not spend your morning with. I hate playing sweet then ignoring phone calls and texts. Lately I've been a destroyer or love. I don't know. I think I'm just selfish.

I'm so confused. I want someone to talk about this with. But then again I wouldn't be having these thoughts if that someone existed.

There are so many things I've fucked up.

I have fucked this up so badly that the only thing I can do is step aside and think about what I've done.

I've thought about what I've done so much. I don't remember the last time I cried. It's been so long. Why don't I cry anymore? At least I'd be feeling something. Crying is like wringing the dirty water out of a sponge. Maybe not. I don't know.

There is no one to keep me occupied. I don't even have a crush. I haven't really needed anyone all semester. Finding someone special is extremely difficult. If you try to find someone, you just run into other horny, empty people.

I want to have a really good conversation with someone at 3am on a bed in the dark.

I am my own enemy. I don't have any enemies in this world, except for one of my managers. She has a lazy eye and she's always trying to catch me fucking up.

Anyway, I never feel hatred anymore. I used to be full of hate. Is emptiness any better? I think so. At least my thoughts go to some good use.


What am I saying. I'm being depressed and stupid. I AM a happy person. I have a great life. I kick ass making films and paintings, I have tons of great friends. Everyone knows me and I make people laugh. Guys want me. My family is awesome. I have food and a job.

Chronic dissatisfaction. That's from a movie someone showed me. He was cool. I used to have good 3am talks with him. But that ended too.

Time to wrap this up. I am alone and it's my fault. I want to go somewhere but I don't know where.