I don't even like cigarettes.

I really miss Parker. Every day it feels heavier. That's the only way I can think to describe it. Heavy. It's a weight making it harder to walk around and do things. Everything reminds me of the times we shared and his insights.

I really want to be at MassArt as soon as possible. Even while laying here on my bed typing this I feel like theres some heavy force making it difficult to keep my head up. I need a new environment. Three days. I can do that.

Bee tee dubs, I realized that I'm just plain old gay. Not pan or anything. Yeah, I'm into dudes. It's nice to know that.
The other night, when we were all really drunk, my friend Brandon said, "Jeff, you are so gay. Just admit it!" And I thought, "hmm. That makes alot of sense." And it did. At that moment I realized it made complete sense. I guess I just didn't want to accept such a crucial detail about my life. But I finally have and it feels really good. So thanks Brandon for forcing that realization upon me.

And the more I thought about it, the more obvious it became. I mean wtf it's completely obvious!? Why did I ever think otherwise? Oh yeah, all that social pressure and stuff.

I think another reason why I didn't want to be classified as gay is because of all the stereotypes that come with it. I don't want people to think I'm any different. I am the exact same person. My close friends know that, but new friends might make assumptions. That's why I'm gunna wait like a month before I completely come out at MassArt. So people know me as Jeff, not their cute little gay friend Jeff. You know? That makes sense.

I really miss Parker...

it's sucks being stuck here living the Paxton Mass life, being reminded everyday of how things were when I had something great to look forward to and enjoy. I hope that my new life keeps me distracted. It will, I'm sure of it. I hate being lonely again.

I also don't even like cigarettes. I took up smoking out of boredom when Parker left. All they do is make me light headed and drowsy. It's lost it's novelty. Although I do enjoy sitting on my roof at night laying under the stars, smoking a butt. But then I get light headed and drowsy.

I just talked to Parker on facebook chat. I feel much better. I think that's all I needed. I feel better.